I read your story and felt like I should give a try answering a few of your questions, or enlightening you on some of your confusions. Before I start, please understand that I’m only speaking from my own experiences. It is also a few minutes past 2AM. If anything I say doesn’t make any sense to you, blame it on the exhaustion. I may have to write this in parts, since I feel like I have a lot of things to say. However I quite don’t know where to start.
If you stalk me for a few days, you’ll notice I have quite a lot of people in my life. I’m the kind of person who will accept new friendship applications at any stage of my life (hahaahahaha): New class, new school, new neighbourhood, new city, new country, new vacation spots, new church, new crisis, etc. I naturally thrive on good vibes and energy so, really, I’ve tried the “no new friends” attitude but I have always failed.
I want to share a few stories with you and tell you what my point is after I’m done…
I’ve been in Canada for almost 10 years now, and I only have one friend from elementary school. Of all my friends, she’s the one I’ve known for the longest time. She is a sister to me. We’re really not the best of friends as per most people’s definition (I really don’t even talk to her that often when I’m away nor do I tell her everything that happens in my life) but we’re close enough. Her family is my family and I like to think mine is hers. She is the first friend I call when I go home or that I text when making plans of going. Everyone knows she is my baby girl for days and life. See, we’ve been through quite a lot together. When I first started to see that we were probably not going be “best friends forever”, I was the most confused person in the world. She had done me really wrong and I couldn’t believe it came from her. We were just in grade 10 at the time. Long story short, I forgave her and we became friends again. We were called best friends but my heart never trusted her as before. I knew I loved her too much to afford not having her in my life so I kept her close. It’s been 18 years that we are friends. Trust me we have been through even more after grade 10 but we are still in each other’s lives. I still care about her, I still want to know what’s going on in her life, I still want to help if she needs my help and I still want to tell her what’s going on in my life, yet I still filter. I choose what information I feel is safe to give her, I care about the timing of giving her that information and I choose if that information should have all details or not. I don’t seat down and think about all of that; it comes naturally.
I’ve met more loyal friends, I’ve met more caring friends, I’ve had friends who were there for me more than she ever was in all these 18 years; but she is still the only one who stayed around for that long. I don’t think I could take any of the crap she’s put me through from anyone else. Sometimes I really feel like we have the same blood in our veins! She is family to me; no one can replace her. She knows this and I know this and we’re ok with this truth although we never put it in words. We love each other to death but we can’t afford being as close as we were before grade 9 and everything else. I told you this story because I wanted to highlight one point: It’s ok to have guards and to filter what you tell your old girls. It’s ok not to feel like you want to tell them everything like before and I know deep down you know why and how it started. It has nothing to do with being away from each other for a long time, or with meeting new awesome friends you share your life with. It has everything to do with the foundation of your friendship. There must have been something or some things that triggered the lack of trust (Oh btw, I diagnosed you, you’ve contracted the lack of trust disease lol).
Sometimes, best friend simply means a friend that has one of the best places in your heart. That is what I mean when someone asks about my friend and I say she is one of my best friends. I wonder what your definition of “best friend” is. When you find it, you won’t wonder anymore. Maybe they don’t even deserve that place. From what I read in your article, there was a lot of faking between you girls and maybe that’s why seeing each other after so many years apart made you crave for the real thing (a.k.a what you have with your Tricia and Nadine).
Sometimes a best friend also means one that gives you the best of themselves. This is the definition I like the most. These are the ones I tend to pour my heart to without thinking twice, you know? The good kind. I think they would fit better in your definition of true friend. Don’t worry about when you will relocate dear, or wherever you will end up in this world. Your true friends will always be there no matter what. They will always find a way.
Allow me to give you another example: I met my “Nadine and Tricia” when I first got in Canada. There are four of them though. At the time I was living in Windsor, Ontario. I only lived there for a year, which means that by the time I moved, our friendship was maybe 10 months old. But trust me, it was strong! No matter where I’ve been in Canada, they’ve been here for me all the way. As we grew older and busier, we went through talking less and less but when we would actually find time to talk. We just didn’t want to stop. We were still giving the best of ourselves to each other. Whenever I visit them, I cry sooo much when it’s time to part. They are the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met!
I have so many examples (from friends I’ve made before I came to Canada to friends I’ve made after) that would show you, you truly don’t need to worry about anything. God will always place the right persons on your path. There is never a wrong one, even the friends that did you wrong. Think back; there must be a valuable lesson they taught you.
Natacha, by having so many friends and best friends in my life, I know better than to try to classify them by trying to figure out who is more important than the other. But to tell you the truth: I know who is better for this crisis or the other; I know who will pick up first when I call; I know who I trust my money with; I know who trusts me with their money; I know the friends I will probably never tell these words: “I need to talk to you”, yet I’ll always pick up their 3 am crisis call. Does it mean some are true and others are fake? No, it’s just that people are different. What one friend can offer, the other can’t. There is nothing wrong with having new friends, there is nothing wrong with trusting them more than the friends you’ve known your whole life. When your heart finds its comfort you can’t question it. I’m talking too much but my point is: there are so many definitions of a true friend. I gave you my favourite one; a true friend is one that gives you the best of themselves!
Best of lucks in sorting out your friends dear! You are not the only one!
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Photo by Nelson Niyakire