Part 3: the End.
This one will be quite short. I am very grateful to God; this really was such wonderful therapy. I should have done it earlier. See, it wasn’t just about letting my hurt and anger out “in the open”, but it was also about my definition of the truth. It was allowing you to know where I stand and why.
When I started writing part one I was kind of shaking because it wasn’t just about going 2-3 years back in time, but 8 years. It was about remembering who I really thought we were. It was remembering the wonderful moments and everything I treasured so much. It was admitting I don’t believe any of it was real. It was having the courage to look at an ugly scar on my heart: Riley. It was trying to put in words the whispers of the voice of shame I feel whenever I’m associated with his name, and now yours too; because no one ever puts us in a beautiful sentence anymore.
It was an open-heart surgery and the sight was quite scary because, while Riley left an ugly scar, you left a tumor.
Today, in this last part, I just wanted to send my most beautiful smile to you and thank God and yourself very much. I assure you, in the lessons of life and regrets my kids and grand kids will hear about, your name shall appear, and here is why: I almost never have regrets about the people who come and go in my life, this you perfectly know. Life has taught me to love my friends unconditionally, it has taught me people make mistakes and I always give second, third and so many more chances to the people I love because, I know I mess up too. Making a mistake does not always mean the intention was to hurt. Hence, I proudly and I must admit, stupidly waited for you to come back to your senses for almost two years. I don’t expect a second chance most of the times – I only remember having it once or twice from my friends actually, but God gave me a zillion of them. You know I always have a soft spot for everyone who left my life; I’m always ready to take anyone back into my life. They just have to apologize and it all goes away; like nothing ever happened.
Today, I’m really hoping that you read this to know that I regret our paths ever crossed. You were not worth the pain. You were not worth the tears, the shame, the heartbreak, and… You were not worth any of it. As much as I love having met your family, I’d choose myself over them. I totally would, simply because if they also knew what the end of us would be, they would have never let us meet.
Despite the shame that comes with the sound of his name, I don’t regret Riley at all. If it weren’t for him, I wouldn’t have known who you truly were. God used him to sort out my friends. I am proud to say I kept the best ones of them. After you, I even had quite a few more heartbreaks, but my heart was ready… so ready that they should just be called heart shakes. I smiled at heaven and I said: “Thank you Father, keep sorting them.”
Dear Ashley, I only owed you the truth. Nothing is tying us anymore. I forgive you. If God calls me to be with Him, I look forward to seeing you and your beautiful smile later on joining me. I look forward to a world where I would never have to remember this again.
Free at last!
“Chronicles of a Burundian Lover” articles are published anonymously on purpose, because, you know, Abarundi… 😉
Image source: dearhomeland.com