This isn’t the first time I write about “the zone”.
The last time, I was rambling about how I learnt “to deal with rejection”.
Got the hint? Yes, it’s me.
I know I said I would never write about “heart” stuff again, but only idiots don’t change their minds, right?
Anyway, I owed you a Part II and I had to redeem myself. I’m tired of being the “friend zone” mascot.
So here I am, with some breaking news!
Are you ready?
The news is that…
The friend zone…
It’s a myth!
*crickets* or *cheers* (depending on where you stand on this issue)
I’m talking about that “zone” you get sent to by a romantic interest who isn’t interested in you.
It exists, but it’s not called the “friend zone”.
It’s called the “rejection zone”.
Here is the thing: when she or he says, “let’s just be friends”, it means one of two things:
One, they mean it: they DO want to be friends – the actual “friend zone”, which isn’t bad.
Or two, they couldn’t care less if you got abducted by SNR today – it’s just a polite way of asking you to get lost.
According to Wikipedia, the “friend zone” refers to “a platonic relationship wherein one person, most commonly a man, wishes to enter into a romantic or sexual relationship, while the other does not. (…) In a related sense of the term, it can describe a ‘commitment mismatch’, such as when two people are sexually involved, but in which one person wants a committed relationship such as being a boyfriend or girlfriend, while the other does not. According to psychologists, the man in a cross-gender friendship is more likely to be attracted to his woman friend than she is to him, and he is more likely to overestimate her interest in a romantic or sexual relationship.”
The Urban dictionary goes further and says, “Because the two are around each other a lot, the one in love will harbour his/her feelings for the other; only to become completely consumed by this person. This leads the one in love to complain to his/her friends about the situation and to become ‘pussy whipped’ by the other”
Before I proceed, “Pussy whipped”?! Hahahahaha! IS THAT A WORD? Hahahahaha! Bon…
And how can a person be in a “friendship with benefits” AND in the “friend zone” at the same time? Isn’t that just the “friends with benefits zone”?
So you just told someone you’d like to be more than friends, and they hit you with the “aw, let’s just be friends, blah blah blah, you mean so much to me, I wouldn’t want to risk losing you, blah blah blah” – what do you do?
First, you need to understand that you’ve been living a commitment mismatch: he or she didn’t like you as much as you thought. Mpore.
Second, you have to accept that nobody has the obligation to fall in love with you, no matter how nice, caring, or in love with them you are. Mpore kandi.
Also, some people out there don’t really know what they want. These are the ones who’ll tell you things like “I wish I had a man like you”, or this woman I once heard saying “I can’t date him. He’s husband material, not boyfriend material”. Like WT*?!
They’re just confused, and I generally advise against dating confused people.
Third, you decide.
When you get rejected but get handed the friendship option, what do YOU do?
Stick around (i.e. step into the “friend zone”) or call it quits?
First, let me ask you this: since when is it a bad thing to be somebody’s friend?
It’s the FRIEND zone. Key word here: friend! Friendship!
Being somebody’s friend doesn’t necessarily mean that’s all you’ll ever be, eh!
I know a guy (aranyica!) who was “friend zoned” three times by the woman he is now married to.
She said no the first time, and the guy took the friend card like a man.
Second time? Nah-uh! He stayed.
And ta-dah! “The third time’s a charm!”
The “friend zone” is not a dead zone!
Some people will actually put you there on purpose, just to test “how much you care”. How bad enough you want it.
Well, for other people it does actually mean that you’ll never be anything more than friends. It’s up to you to figure out which one of these your love interest is.
The “friend zone” is an opportunity to reconsider your feelings while getting to know this person even better.
It’s a chance to make sure they’re mature enough for what you want the two of you to be.
Time can reveal to you that he or she was just confused, and needed time to figure out what he or she really wanted and/or needed (before realising you’re “the One”).
What I’m sure of is, the “friend zone” will show you whether they actually appreciate you, or just taking advantage of you and your feelings. If you can’t figure it out by yourself, ask a friend and they will tell you.
By the way, here I’m assuming she or he knows how you feel about her or him. Don’t be saying somebody “friend zoned” you when they don’t even know how you feel! (Some people really don’t get “the cues”). I know that talking about these things, especially when non-reciprocated feelings are involved, can be difficult for both parties, but at least you’ll both know where you stand.
If he or she tells you “it will never happen”, and you realise it actually never will – while you have no interest in growing your friends list – please spare yourself unnecessary heartache and move on. (It’s funny when girls say, “I don’t want to ruin our friendship” when dismissing you. Like WHAT friendship? Who told you I want to be friends? Commitment mismatch, again!)
My friend, just move on! It may hurt them to lose you (if they really care), but trust me, they’ll survive. You have no business sacrificing yourself for a lost cause!
But hey, if you care for them enough to still want them in your life, even if it means never you’ll never get into their pants, stay. At the end of the day, it’s friendship. Good things can come out of friendships too, even when there’s no sexual intimacy.
Bottom line: nobody can take advantage of your feelings unless you let them!
There is no such thing as a “friend zone prison” like this video suggests.
If at first you don’t succeed, dust yourself of and try again… or move on!
(In fact, at the end of the video, the main character walks out of the “prison” with a girl he just pulled out of this other jail called “Plan Cul” (Booty call, in French). It’s hilarious)
People who complain about the friend zone are first of all just looking for someone to blame for their bad luck. I read somewhere (yeah, I did my research) that victims of “the zone” should blame themselves.
I say don’t blame anyone. Falling for someone who doesn’t quite share the same feelings is like tripping and smashing the screen of a brand new iPhone 6S: it’s an accident! It hurts, but it’s really JUST. AN. ACCIDENT… with a little bit of bad luck, NOT an evil plot to make your life miserable!
Coming back to the girl in my first story… did you actually think I was going to tell you what happened after that text came out? Never! Hahaha! Mpore!
At least you can sleep today knowing I learnt good things from the experience.
Rejection is not a fatality, and when it happens, only YOU can decide to walk into the “friend zone” or not.
You and only you!
P.S. I dedicate this post to a very good friend of mine who will recognise himself.
(Image source: goodmenproject.com)