… A woman

Every girl has a checklist they run through when dealing with a potential partner, even when she’s just looking for a one night stand or a fling that’s not meant to be serious (it’s all about image; we Burundian girls take who we’re seen or associated with very seriously!). The list could be carved somewhere at the back of our heads or actually be written somewhere; it could be filled with superficial conditions (looks, build, wealth) or with things that actually matter; but the bottom of the line is, we all have a list!

My list has particulars like (in no particular order… not that I’m even sure what counts more than what anymore) height (he has to be taller than me); build (while I’m really not into skinny guys, fatties and bodybuilders are not my type either); looks and how he dresses (I love me a man who takes care of himself and wears clothes that fit!); level of education and awareness of world matters (an intellectual connection is important); social skills (you know how they say that opposites attract? Well, being an introvert, I love me a good extrovert); his ability to make me laugh (very important for many girls); and his spirituality (this point used to say “Christian” up until I fell for a Muslim; so I changed it to “Spiritual”… comes to show how we can be so indecisive, Ha!)

I’ve never been with a guy who met all the prerequisites of my list; heck I’ve even been with guys who barely met half of them, often because some items on the list (subconsciously) count more than others. Like if a guy is just too hot I may wave the intellectual and spiritual conditions… yeah, who said girls don’t fall for looks too?

Speaking of looks, let me tell you about my current. I totally fell for his looks, the way he dresses and the way he always smells so… sexy. He’s a social butterfly, just like I love them; always taking me out to parties and introducing me to new people. He also makes me laugh… a lot! I sometimes sit, remember some of his jokes and start laughing by myself. Oh and the TLC (tender, love and care! I heard some read it “ten inch long cock” – SMH)… he knows just what to do and when to do it! Not that I have a chart to compare my previous partners, but I think this guy is my best lay so far! But…!

… One year and a few months in, I’m already starting to get bored of this relationship. I don’t connect with the guy! I hate to say this but I think I’m too smart for him. We can’t have a meaningful discussion about the effectiveness of international aid, or even just about the politics back home! So many times I’ve come across an interesting article and just when I was about to share it with him I’d remember that he probably won’t even bother opening it. He’s the kind of guy who spends his life checking out and commenting on other people’s pictures on Facebook and Instagram while flying over anything that requires any reading and thinking. The reason I’m even writing this without any fear that he’ll recognise me is because I’m sure he’ll never wander anywhere close to this blog – unless everybody starts talking about it and he get hit with FOMO. And then the guy is almost done with college (his age mates are actually concluding their Masters’ degrees) but when I try to talk to him about his future, it’s like he doesn’t know what he wants to do with his life! NKT!

I really don’t see where this relationship is going… I thought brains didn’t matter when it started, but I’m starting to realise they’re just as important as everything else if I’m looking for a medium to long term thing. I have, in the past, fallen for guys with whom I had an intellectual connection mind you, but a few months down the line, after the initial love craze had faded and our true colours started to show, there was always something that put me off. Like this one guy turned out to be too clingy and insecure, and this other guy… well, he had too much love to give… to other girls – Mxxiiiuuuu!

The best relationship I’ve ever been in was with a guy I wasn’t even interested in to begin with. He was average looking, a bit chubby and not quite an extrovert; he was just your average Burundian guy who’s friendly with everyone without really overdoing it. I was kind of forced to be friends with him since we sat at the same desk in school; and we clicked! We developed some kind of chemistry where we could complete each other’s sentences, and communicate just by looking into each other’s eyes… He was my best friend! There was no list with him; I didn’t care. We knew each other’s flaws and anticipated each other’s mistakes. Don’t you go thinking that it was all roses and kisses… no, we had our moments and disagreements, but we cared about each other too much to let anything break us… well, anything apart from distance. At some point in our lives we ended up far away from each other, living different lives, and life being the bitch that she is, we grew apart. He got involved with some girl, she got pregnant and he had to marry her… End of the story.

I’m starting to realise love isn’t about the list. So far my list hasn’t worked for me; and if I have to be honest I’ve let some good guys go because they weren’t my type. I didn’t give them a chance because of the stupid list. I don’t have any regrets but let’s say that I’m becoming wiser. I read somewhere that there are two types of love: attraction love that makes people start to date and attachment love that makes them stay together. The former lasts some time until the true colours of the partners start to come out and the relationship will only survive if they’re both mature enough (and the attachment love strong enough) to overcome any eventual differences and be willing to make concessions for each other.

I’m starting to realise love isn’t about the initial attraction; it’s about the connection you build with your partner, regardless of whether they check all the items on the list or not. The connection takes some time and commitment to build, but when it’s solid it’s so worth the investment!