#IWasntReady

I swear this is far from what I thought I knew about pregnancy! I mean, I knew about morning sickness and a few other things, but what I’m living is way worse than what I expected!

I’m shocked that nobody really talks about this! Not even my mother! She never warned me that this is what I would go through! Did she even think this was an important subject to discuss?! See, she’s a very educated woman who raised me to be as smart as she is, or even smarter; but when I got pregnant I realized that we had never actually talked about pregnancy. In Burundi, no matter what social status you have or how open minded you are, pregnancy challenges are taboo!

We teach girls how not to get pregnant, but what about when the deed is already done? If I had known that this was what I was putting myself up against, I would have thought once, twice or even three times before getting pregnant! I mean, if God had offered an option to take back my pregnancy during these past few weeks, I would’ve probably taken it! I feel guilty of this thought, but man, the morning sickness and everything else I’ve had to endure during this first trimester have made me suffer! I haven’t experienced the pain of labor yet, but pregnancy sickness is something else I promise you!
If I could, I would pay someone else to carry this baby for me for real!

I’ve gone from being a happy person to being the most miserable person you will ever meet. I’m 100% depressed. I hate everything and everyone. Hormones are driving me nuts. I can’t eat anything. I even hate the taste of water! Now, here is the irony: you hate all foods and drinks, cannot stand any smell, you throw up every single thing that goes down your throat, but the doctor and everyone around you tell you that you and the baby need to be fed. Man, I hate my life!

When my friends and family are busy congratulating me, excited for this new chapter of my new life, deep down I want all of them to shut up and leave me alone. Oh and their annoying questions and comments! “Oh my God, so how do you feel?” “You must be excited?””You look pretty good for a pregnant woman…” I FEEL LIKE I’M FREAKIN’ DYING! 😡 I guess this is why my mouth is always full of saliva (Ugh!)… So that I can’t talk/snap back.

I’m always sick, I’m always tired, I hate my body, I disgust myself, and I can’t recognize who I am anymore. But at the same time, I have to work, socialize, put on a smile and pretend like everything is okay! But WHY?! I AM NOT OKAY!
I’m sad. I don’t want to be, but I am. I know it’s a blessing to have a baby, but there’s nothing I can do to unfeel the way I feel or to numb the pain. I can’t even take a glass of wine! Ugh!

Although I have a very patient and understanding husband, I can see that this has affected him too. Of course, all my frustrations are directed towards him. I’ve sometimes even hated him for getting me pregnant, as if he had done it alone, haha! Blame the hormones, right? Also, now he has to do almost everything around the house because I just don’t have the energy and the mood to do anything. This includes satisfying my very weird food cravings.
Although he acts like he’s okay, I can see when he is annoyed and tired of this whole situation, and it makes me feel even worse because I want to do something about it, but I can’t. On the other hand, sometimes, although he’s coming from a good place, because he’s a man (and will never know what it’s like to carry a baby) he makes comments and says things that tick me off. “You should eat…” “You should do this and that…” “Are you sure you’re doing the right thing?” “Gira effort…”. ARE YOU FREAKIN’ SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! DO YOU THINK I ENJOY BEING LIKE THIS?! DON’T YOU THINK THAT IF I KNEW WHAT TO DO TO BE BETTER I WOULD DO IT?! 😡 We argue, and the whole mood goes from low to lower. It’s a disaster.

Now ladies, we need to start opening up and educating others about pregnancy challenges. Can we be better than social media “pregnancy slay queens” making pregnancy look easy and glamorous when it actually isn’t? Well, at least not most of the time… Can we keep it real and share these stories, in solidarity with all the women out there having challenging pregnancies. Imagine the women who have to go through this alone! And those who have to hide their pregnancies, on top of dealing with all of this! We do not owe perfection to anyone! At the end of the day we’re already perfection, since God has trusted us with the most amazing thing: giving life!

By the way, I only managed to write all this today because today is a rare good day…